What Moms Are Telling Their Daughters About Kamala Harris’ Loss

As Wednesday dawned and it became obvious that Donald Trump would return to the White House for a second term, Rebecca Shrader struggled to get back to her regular programming.

The Durham, North Carolina, mom of two had put her kids to sleep with them not knowing who would win the presidency: Trump or Vice President Kamala Harris. Now she had to wake them up for school and tell them the outcome of the election.

“I have a 10-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son,” she said. “They were very excited about a female president, especially my daughter. It was really hard to stay positive this morning, so I didn’t.”

Instead, Shrader gave her kids ― her daughter especially ― space to be angry and upset. The mom didn’t try to hide that she, too, was feeling demoralized that a qualified female candidate lost yet again.

“I wanted her to know we had a female vice president, we are closer than we’ve ever been and yet I’m so disappointed in the white female voters that voted against [Harris],” Shrader told HuffPost. (According to exit polls carried out by CNN, more than half of white women voted for Trump in this election.)

“I think women are pushed to look on the bright side much of our lives. Having not ever had a female president in the history of America deserves some righteous anger and rage,” she said.

Shrader’s daughter didn’t grow up believing that a female president was just a fantasy in her lifetime, like Schrader had. She had watched the 2021 inauguration of Joe Biden and history being made when Harris became the first female vice president. She also was the first Black and first South Asian American vice president.

Going into this election, Shrader’s excitement was more measured than her daughter’s; she’d already gotten a temperature read on how America felt about a woman president in 2016, in the form of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s failed presidential bid.

But by Wednesday morning, Trump won the Electoral College count, and he’s on track to win the popular vote, too ― this after a New York City jury found him liable for sexually abusing columnist E. Jean Carroll (and defaming her) and another New York jury found him guilty of 34 felonies for falsifying business records in his hush money trial.

Now, in the wake of Harris’ loss, Shrader said she feels like “there’s no glass ceiling; it’s more like a concrete block.”

Shrader also knows Trump’s win will have an effect on all women but especially those of her daughter’s generation, in ways that will reverberate for decades. On the campaign trail, Trump leaned into his key role in eliminating federal abortion rights. After Senate Republicans blocked legislation designed to protect women’s access to contraception earlier this year, many women are worried about the future of birth control under a new Trump administration.

As cultural critic Anne Helen Petersen wrote Wednesday on her Substack, the election results suggest that Generation Alpha is inheriting a world that thinks little of women’s agency:

“This is what they will understand about their childhoods: a period when their country clarified whose lives mattered and where power should rest. These truths will be codified in court rulings and legislation that will endure for decades. They will be there in the room every time a woman dies a preventable death or is arrested for crossing state lines to save her own life. This generation will internalize what we have come to understand: that women are worth less. Behave accordingly.”

Some parents are questioning if they want to raise a daughter in such an environment. Alyssa Neilson, a creative consultant who’s Black and lives in Los Angeles, mostly feels insulated in deep-blue, progressive California. That said, she and her husband both have Dutch citizenship, and as a parent of a 4-year-old little girl, she admits having the option of moving to the Netherlands is enticing.

“I think Tuesday night it really dawned on me for the first time that this country may be too divisive and corrupt for me to continue living here despite the many benefits of being in California,” Neilson told HuffPost.

“I am not there yet fully, of course, and we have a lot of commitments here, but I’m definitely planning on keeping a watchful eye on how things develop and making that call for the three of us if necessary,” she said. “It’s very much a matter of ‘Is this a country I want to even participate in anymore?’ kind of thing.”

Given her daughter’s age, she didn’t need to delve too deeply into the election results, but a Harris win would have been a huge representation win for the family.

“If Kamala had been elected, my daughter would be nearly 9 when her term would end, so that would have been her girlhood,” Neilson said.

Je-Ree Olenik, an entertainment journalist, watched election night coverage with her 14-year-old daughter, who was “very excited” about the prospect of a female president who was Black like her.

As the night progressed and Trump pulled ahead, the pair “decided to put on something else to help relieve the anxiety and eventually went to bed.”

The next morning, Olenik’s daughter asked her mom what she thought Trump’s win might mean for Black Americans.

“I told her that nothing will happen to us, but we have to be aware of our surroundings and how people may feel like they can treat us out in public,” she said. “I also told her that we need to just pray for the undocumented people in this country and how the economy will change if they are forced to leave. I try to be very open with her.”

That kind of emotional openness is a positive thing, said Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego.

“If you’re demoralized by the election, there’s actually some value in showing some level of sadness or disappointment, as it teaches kids that emotions are normal and OK to express,” said the therapist, who has a 9-year-old daughter.

“If my 9-year-old sees me sad or frustrated, I’d explain, ’I feel this way because I care so much about the future and about fairness for everyone,” Chappell Marsh added.

Children can also track the emotions you might be feeling, so honesty is key, said Akua K. Boateng, a psychotherapist in Philadelphia.

“It’s important to remind them that fighting for what’s right is always the best approach even if others do not stand with you,” she said.

“It is OK to explain the idea of differences and different views that shaped the decision in this election,” Boateng added. “Use examples they may experience in their lives. They understand disappointment more than we realize.”

It’s all a careful balance, though, Chappell Marsh said. “You don’t want to let your feelings overwhelm your kids. You want to ensure that they still feel safe and reassured.”

It’s also a great moment to remind your kids that living in a democracy means that your opinion on things isn’t always in the majority, said Allison K. Rodgers, an OB-GYN in Chicago and the mom of three kids, ages 17, 13 and 11.

“After the election, I told the kids that they need to be respectful and understanding of the process and the will of the people,” she said. “Sometimes you want something really badly, and it doesn’t turn out the way you hope. This is true for so many things, including relationships and school and elections.”

If your kids were hopeful and spurred on by the prospect of the first woman president, it’s also OK to let them sit with the disappointment for a while.

“My kids were really excited about the whole process and the idea of the first woman president in 235 years,” said Ellie Leonard, a writer in northern New Jersey and a mom to four kids: a daughter, who’s 13, and three boys, ages 5, 8 and 11.

Her two younger kids wanted to know why a woman had never been in charge when for decades so many other countries have had female leaders. Election night was difficult for the family, Leonard said.

“My two older kids stayed up to watch the election results until about 11 p.m. While we didn’t know at that time if Trump would take Pennsylvania and Wisconsin, we all had a sinking feeling,” she said. “They started to say what everyone else has been saying, ‘How can it be this close? He’s a criminal. He doesn’t like people who aren’t white. He says it all the time.’”

Wednesday morning might have been harder, though.

“Before school, Charlotte immediately began texting a group chat with her friends, all nervous and confused, shocked that America could be so blind to elect someone who doesn’t care about them,” Leonard said.

As Leonard put her two little boys on the school bus, she broke down on the walk back home. “I haven’t cried in a long time,” she said.

When her kids got back home from school Wednesday afternoon, they had a more reassuring talk.

“I think Charlotte wants to move past it a little more quickly than I do,” she said. “I reminded her that the president of the United States works for the people, and not the other way around. We’re his boss. And if he tries to forget that, that’s when we get to step up and make change.”

As for the eternal question of “Will we ever have a woman president in the U.S.?” it’s important to remind kids that just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t.

“Tell them that progress can be very slow,” said Chappell Marsh, the therapist. “I tell my 9-year-old about the progress women have made over the years and how many women are working hard in all kinds of ways and roles outside of the presidency.”

Let them know it’s the first time in history two Black women will serve together in the Senate. It’s also the first time Delaware will have a female senator. And Sarah McBride, a progressive who ran on issues affecting workers and families, will become the first openly trans member of Congress.

Chappell Marsh reminds her daughter that people who make a difference don’t always need to be the president and many of them are working hard now to find a way forward: “I tell her, ‘Many women are doing incredible things in other ways, and one day we’ll see a woman as president do that, too.’”