What I Wish I’d Known About ‘Gentle Parenting’ Before I Used It With My Kid

“He’s very hard on himself,” my 11-year-old’s teacher said during our first-semester conference, “and often this frustration brings him to tears.”

We sat in a weird quiet as my son’s teacher filled the space with an apologetic smile — a small consolation for what felt like my big parenting fail. I sank further down into my kid-sized seat as my brain scrambled to give a valid reason for my son’s stress. Instead of words coming out of my mouth, I managed a nod and more silence.

I knew what she was saying: My son struggles with perfectionism and this pressure was creating fear and nervousness during class. Finally, I offered, “Yes, it’s something we’re working on.” She held my gaze letting me know she understood I was aware, and the conference moved on from there. What I couldn’t move on from was the nagging feeling I didn’t totally understand how we got here.

When I was a pregnant person resting my swollen feet and trying not to pee on myself, I did a little research. Ultimately, I figured it would be my child’s temperament and his in-the-moment needs that informed my parenting, but I wanted to lay good groundwork. After talking with my husband, we decided a gentle parenting approach would be a good place to start.

Basically, this parenting method uses clear boundaries and kindness instead of ye olde “I’m the boss of you” attitude to help kids move through emotions. The Children’s Hospital of Chicago said a recent study revealed that approximately 74% of millennial parents practice this style of guiding children with a mix of compassion and boundaries. With stats like these, how could we go wrong?

Allison McQuaid, a licensed professional counselor and owner of Tree House Therapy, told HuffPost that a successful parenting style supports raising emotionally resilient children. “Raising a child who’s independent and socially/emotionally aware tends to be the gold standard in parenting,” McQuaid said.

Parenting styles can shape the way our kids see the world, and while outside factors like peers and community play a role in behavior and worldview, McQuaid said the relationship parents have with their kids is the most influential. “I think what impacts a child the most is how the parent/child relationship is nurtured,” McQuaid said.

Katie Smith, a licensed clinical and child psychologist who treats children, adolescents and families, said the parenting style you use with your kids has a profound impact on their emotional and social development. According to StudentCenteredWorld.com, studies show that children whose parents are nurturing and empathetic — and also firm and consistent — typically have higher self-esteem and better social skills. Enter my #parentinggoals: “When you treat children with kindness and respect, parents are modeling for their kids to do the same,” Smith said.

My gentle parenting journey truly took off during my son’s toddler phase. McQuaid emphasized this is true for most caregivers: “A pivotal time for parents to define their style is when your child starts having tantrums.” Being a toddler is hard what with developing emotions, limited communication skills and a constant need for snacks. Looking for ways to support becomes a priority, so popular phrases like, “I see you’re upset right now…” or “It’s OK to be frustrated…” began conversations and took root in our home. This validation seemed to be what my kid craved — along with handfuls of Goldfish crackers.

Gentle parenting resonated deeply with my son — de-escalating what could’ve been massive meltdowns and soothing fearful moments. So my husband (and the grandparents) became fairly consistent with this style, since the results soothed my kid. And it’s here Smith added that this consistency in communication allows children to feel secure and thrive, because the parents’ behavior is predictable. Gentle parenting brought understanding and awareness to my little one during big emotional moments — until its soothing magic vanished.

Sitting at the kitchen table, my grade-schooler sobbed about playground hierarchies and math homework. I held him close and whispered the magical phrases we’d used his entire life: “It’s all right to take a break and try again later,” and “You should be so proud of yourself.” But now, these assurances had no power. Wasn’t this approach fail-safe? As we shared a juice box and talked through my kid’s feelings, his worry and frustration felt bigger than the comfort I offered.

The National Library of Medicine reveals kids can feel pressure to academically and socially fit in, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and other mental health issues. And, let’s be honest, this knowledge added a heavy pressure for me to help my kid. Did I need to change my approach?

“Reflecting on impactful and difficult parenting moments can be very effective in helping parents answer the questions like: ‘How did I handle that? Do I like myself when I replay this scenario or do I want to show up differently for my child?’” Smith said. Asking these questions can help us become more aware of our default parenting responses. And, when we examine how we show up to parent our kids, McQuaid encourages us to “parent authentically” and lock in on those moments when we’re feeling connected to our children. “Lean in with your intuition with your child’s temperament and preferences,” McQuaid said.

As my son grows, and his world becomes more complex, his emotional needs do, too. It took me a minute to grasp that the immediate soothing effect my words have may have changed, but his need for reassurance has not. “Parenting isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s one of the most difficult jobs, because our target is always moving before our eyes,” Smith told HuffPost. My tween needs more time to process his feels — on his own. So sitting at the kitchen table sharing our juice boxes, I whisper those familiar phrases, and then give him space — a new addition to our parenting. After a long pause, he leans over and whispers in my ear, “Mom, thanks for staying.” Our connection intact, I kiss his head and tell him … “Always.”

If you’re a parent looking to find your parenting style or wondering if your support is resonating, McQuaid offers this: “Home in on what your personal values are and ask yourself: ‘What do you want to bring to your parenting — playfulness or more fun? Does this resonate with your child?’”

Look at what connects you and your kids, and Smith says you’ll know if your style is successful when “after a challenging parenting moment, you and your child still feel loved and respected.”