This 1 Toxic Mindset Can Destroy Your Mental Health (And You’re Probably Guilty Of It, Too)

Messages like “Go big or go home,” “Anything worth doing is worth doing right,” and even, “Do or do not. There is no try,” are meant to inspire us — but they often have the complete opposite effect.

This all-or-nothing mindset sets us up for impossible standards. Negative thoughts like “I’m not an athlete, so what’s the point in working out?” or “My first TikTok didn’t go viral, so I’m never posting again,” creep in, encouraging us to give up before we even try.

So why do we even do it? Well, you can thank biology for that.

“Our brains are inherently trying to find patterns because our nervous systems and part of our brains crave that certainty,” explained Jennifer Vincent, a licensed mental health counselor and founder of Therapy for Cycle Breakers.

“Our brains love the ‘all or nothing’ thinking because it creates a sense of closure,” she added. “We’re either fully succeeding or failing. In a weird way, our brains want that because it feels the safest with predictability, even when it’s wrong. Our brain hates the gray; it’s too messy.”

Thinking like this often starts in childhood, where we are “conditioned from a young age to see life in black-and-white terms,” said Cynthia Vejar, the program director and associate professor of clinical mental health counseling at Lebanon Valley College. Win or lose a game, get a job offer or not — “it’s hard not to fall into this binary way of thinking.”

Think of it like a 10-year-old whose soccer team loses a game. “The coach might encourage the team to value their hard work and effort, but the child might still look at this as a win-or-lose situation, and it can feel like a crushing disappointment,” Vejar said.

When a zero-sum mentality like this is applied to other areas of life, we might forget the value of the middle ground.

Real life is not a soccer tournament, and the gray, not-exactly-winning, not-exactly-losing areas of life can be wonderful. “These ‘shades of gray’ are where we learn, grow, adapt, improve, understand ourselves and others, and identify goals,” Vejar said.

But even if that gray area is normal, it can be difficult to let go of the all-or-nothing thought pattern that tells us everything has to be absolutely perfect or it doesn’t have value. These feelings are common, but giving into an all-or-nothing mindset can hinder your productivity — and tank your self-confidence.

Here’s experts’ advice on how to reframe that thinking.

An all-or-nothing mindset is not healthy. In fact, Ida Sulusky, a licensed clinical psychologist and research associate professor at Northwestern University, tells HuffPost that this thinking is “a type of cognitive distortion or a false belief” that “can impact a person’s functioning and relationships.”

As an educator and a clinician, Sulusky often meets young professionals who are unable to meet assignment deadlines, but not because they don’t care.

“They are unable to turn in work because they do not believe it is ‘good enough,’” she said. “The desire or need for things to be exact results in either delays in completing obligations and tasks or an inability to complete them when perfection proves unattainable.” (Which, spoiler alert, is all the time.)

All-or-nothing thinking can negatively impact your mental health, according to experts, because no one is perfect all the time.

“If there is no room for anything less than perfection, all-or-nothing thinking can become paralyzing,” Sulusky said. “A person can struggle to complete work assignments, commitments to loved ones, and importantly, commitments to oneself.”

Vincent also pointed this out. “We often set ourselves up to fail,” she said. “The constant pressure to perform perfectly can create an overwhelming self of never being good enough, which is a key contributor to both anxiety and depression.”

“There is a fear of making mistakes or not meeting expectations, which then leads to shame, negative self-talk, and feelings of inadequacy,” she continued. (And if you’ve ever tried to be productive while stuck in a shame spiral, you know how impossible that is!)

Another way all-or-nothing thinking can impact your mental health is by comparing your real or perceived failures to other people, especially on social media. “If I can’t look like them or work out like them, then I won’t even try,” is a common thought, according to Vincent.

“This comparison steals our joy and our ability to have self-compassion,” she said.

We all know that what people choose to share online is often not the whole picture. How frequently do you see a job or baby announcement compared to posts about job rejections and fertility issues?

“What’s missing is the behind-the-scenes reality such as the hard work, setbacks, and struggles that occur on our path towards our ultimate achievements,” Vejar explained. “For example, the blood-sweat-and-tears of a person’s wellness journey or the multitude of rejections they received before landing their dream job.”

Unfortunately, there is no “reset” option to reprogram your brain into giving up this thinking. It takes time, trial and error, and patience.

“Testing false beliefs and cognitive distortions through small, incremental experiments can help break out of all-or-nothing thinking,” Sulusky said.

She suggested focusing on the present and not ruminating on the past or thinking about what you could have done differently.

“When you miss a day at the gym, ask yourself, ‘What is the 1% effort that I can put toward my goal of taking care of my health today?’” she said. Maybe instead of the 60-minute HIIT routine you were planning, you enjoy a 10-minute walk or five minutes of mindfulness practice and meditation.

And if your goal is big (like running a marathon or completing a big work project, for example), break it down into smaller increments. Vejar recommended setting realistic expectations for yourself, which begins with “an honest understanding of where you’re starting and where you want to end up.”

“This means setting goals that reflect achievable growth over a reasonable period of time,” Vejar continued. She encourages people to “recognize small accomplishments and milestones along the way, and view setbacks as a part of the journey, all of which can lead toward the ultimate goal of success.”

Additionally, “the next time you catch yourself spiraling because you didn’t do everything perfectly, try reframing the situation,” Vincent suggested. “Instead of thinking, ‘I failed the whole week,’ try, ‘Well, that wasn’t what I wanted, but I still have time today to try again.’”

And while you’re at it, replace some of those earlier mantras with others, like the old adage “Done is better than perfect.”

Finally, give yourself a break. A total mindset overhaul doesn’t happen in one day. “Steering away from an all-or-nothing mindset means that you should give yourself grace and forgiveness when applicable,” Vejar said.