These 6 Micro-Habits Can Boost Kids’ Happiness

Parents frequently say that “all they want” is for their kids to be happy. But what does this happiness look like?

The things that parents tend to focus on — good grades, college acceptances, a fulfilling career — are all measures of achievement. Pride in an achievement may well engender a feeling of happiness, but it certainly isn’t the only way to get there. Plus, most parents don’t really want their child’s happiness limited to milestones like graduations or championships.

In fact, parents’ efforts to secure their kids’ happiness are often the very things most likely to keep kids from feeling happy. Doug Bolton, a psychologist and author of “Untethered: Creating Connected Families, Schools, and Communities to Raise a Resilient Generation,” explained how this process tends to work.

Parents often “think something is wrong when our children are unhappy. We become distressed when they are distressed. Often, when we intervene to take away their distress, we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn to tolerate their own distress and, thus, limit their ability to develop resilience — which, in itself, gives us greater access to happiness,” Bolton told HuffPost.

In other words, kids need experience dealing with a full range of emotions — including sadness, disappointment and frustration — if they’re going to lead the kind of lives we think of as happy ones.

Parents’ laser-focus on kids’ achievement is another obstacle. The pressure to succeed can leave kids feeling like their parents’ love is conditional, that they are valued for what they do instead of who they are.

“In our parenting and educational practices, we increasingly value things outside of the person to justify their value — their achievement of grades, the number of likes on their social media posts, and their participation on several travel teams are examples of this. These can lead to moments of happiness that undermine longer term unhappiness,” Bolton said.

A student might feel momentary pride about a test score, but the pressure to keep their grades up might cause anxiety in the long run, for example.

Instead of positioning happiness — a state we all know to be elusive — as yet another goal that kids need to reach, Bolton suggested that we think in terms of kids’ wellness. “Wellness, for me, includes both the ability to enjoy happy moments but also the resilience to cope effectively with the hardest moments,” he said.

To help our kids lead the kind of happy lives that wellness makes possible, we can focus on helping them build resilience and social connection through small daily habits, or micro-practices.

“In the same way we know that eating vegetables and moving our bodies help our physical health, there are everyday behaviors we can teach children that build their happiness muscles,” Ariana Hoet, a psychologist who is the executive clinical director of The Kids Mental Health Foundation, told HuffPost.

Here are some micro-practices that parents can encourage their kids to do every day to promote their well-being.

“Children with strong social connections have more positive emotions,” Hoet said.

“Having meaningful connections with friends and family every day is protective to children’s mental health and important for their happiness levels,” she continued.

Social connection is also the antidote to social isolation, which puts people of all ages at risk for anxiety and depression, in addition to other health issues. Whether it’s a family meal, walking the dog together or riding bikes around the neighborhood with a friend, interactions that help your child feel connected to the community they’re in will promote happiness.

If a kid is feeling down, it’s easy to get stuck in the rut of inertia. That’s why it’s important to encourage kids to do something every day that makes them feel good. This could mean spending time outdoors, seeing a friend or making art.

Hoet recommends that kids “do at least one pleasant thing every day for at least 5-15 minutes.” There are a huge variety of activities that might fit the bill. Hoet recommended choosing ones “that help a child feel connected to others, proud/accomplished, or simply that bring them joy.”

Bolton underscored the value of mastery, which he defined as “the experience of getting better at something that is meaningful to us (not because we will get an award).” An example, he said, would be “the child who loves building with legos without the expectation of a prize or gold star for the best creation.”

It’s a buzzword these days, but the truth is that mindfulness simply means “being present in the moment, instead of in your thoughts worrying about the future or sad about the past,” Hoet explained.

But that doesn’t mean mindfulness comes easy. Kids (and adults) will need to practice frequently in order to build this skill. We tend to associate mindfulness with breathing exercises and meditation, but those aren’t the only ways to get there. The only requirement is to try to stay present in the moment, so you can practice mindful eating, walking, or many other daily activities.

“Mindfulness is a wonderful way to quiet our nervous system,” Bolton said.

With practice, we can train our brains to “notice the good in our day-to-day life and spend less time thinking about the difficult things,” Hoet said.

Bolton also expressed this. “Our emotion often follows our attention,” he explained, adding that a practice like a gratitude journal can help us hone in on the good things in our lives. Likewise, saying “grace” before a meal, whether or not in a religious way, is a way to share a daily moment of gratitude, Bolton said.

Goals don’t have to rely on standard measures of success like money, grades or likes on social media. Your child might want to learn to play a song on the piano, or cook a meal for the family.

“Children with achievable goals feel a sense of purpose and meaning to their lives. Goals give them something to look forward to and can increase their motivation,” Hoet said.

“When we do things for other people, it boosts our sense of ourselves,” Bolton said, adding that there is a body of research showing the benefits of being generous.

One study, for example, found that people’s depression and anxiety symptoms were reduced by performing acts of kindness.

“We know that creating the habit of kindness toward others helps children feel happier, calmer, and less anxious. There is also the added benefit of helping foster social connections,” Hoet said.

Walking a neighbor’s dog while they are homebound or helping to prepare food for someone in need are meaningful acts of generosity in which kids can participate.