The 1 Thing Parents Of College Students Shouldn’t Do

When the parents of today’s teens were in college, if they wanted to talk to their mom or dad they had to go to their dorm room and dial their home phone number on a bulky phone with a long, spiraled cord. There were also hulking computer stations where students could check emails sent to their new .edu addresses.

If you bombed a quiz or got offended by something somebody said in class and wanted to tell a parent about it, you had to wait until that telephone or computer was within reach. But today’s college students are able to contact their parents at any given moment, using their cellphones to text, call or FaceTime.

Overall, the ease that technology has brought to frequent, on-the-go communication has positive effects on students and their families.

In a recent survey of 367 first-year college students and their parents at Washington State University, researchers found that over a seven-day period (notably included a “dad’s weekend” that brought many parents to the campus in Pullman), students communicated with their parents on 74% of the days. The most popular mode of communication was text message, followed by phone calls, in-person communication and video chat/FaceTime.

For the most part, this communication seemed to have positive effects: “We found that students felt more positively about their relationship with their parents following days when the students communicated with parents,” Jennifer Duckworth, one of the study’s authors, told HuffPost.

These benefits were seen when students “communicated more frequently, when they felt supported in the communication, when parents offered them advice, and when the students talked with their parents about important topics like studying, time management and friendships/relationships,” Duckworth said.

Michael P. McNeil, a professor at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health who presents a summer webinar for the parents of undergrads, told HuffPost that these findings aligned with those of previous studies showing that “regular, scheduled check-ins can encourage and reinforce positive health behaviors in that student.”

McNeil recommends that parents and students talk about how and with what frequency they will communicate before the student arrives on campus so that everyone has a “shared expectation.”

Duckworth and her fellow researchers did find some differences in parent communication and its effect among different groups of students.

“Compared to males, female students reported more days of communication with parents, more time spent communicating and more initiation of communication with their parents,” Duckworth said. Female students were also more likely to talk about friendships and relationships, and less likely to talk about time management than their male counterparts.

Students in racial or ethnic minority groups communicated less overall with their parents; however, they spent more time talking on the phone or video chatting with their parents than non-Hispanic white students, Duckworth explained.

“These students also reported being less honest when communicating with parents and spending less time talking about certain topics, including studying/grades and drinking/substance use.” Duckworth says that more research is needed to understand why these differences emerged.

Though this study found that communication with parents had an overwhelmingly positive effect on students, there was one exception.

“When parents initiated communication more than students, students felt less positively about their relationship with their parents the following day,” Duckworth said.

“Students also felt less positively about their relationship when parents initiated more communication than usual,” she said.

One possible interpretation of this data, Duckworth said, is that a parent’s frequent texts or calls indicate hyper-involvement, or “helicopter parenting.” This might make it difficult for first-year college students to develop “autonomy and
independence, critical skills for new college students.”

So if you find that you’re sending multiple texts that go unanswered or your calls all land in voicemail, it might be a sign to back away and give your child some space.

McNeil encourages parents to act as a teacher or guide rather than a fixer when students come to them with an issue.

“We encourage [parents] to help the students do for themselves rather than give in to the potential instinct to try and take care of something for them,” McNeil said.

For example, if a student is not feeling well, a parent could help them figure out where to go for help instead of calling health services and making an appointment for them.

Don’t assume that a quick text message means less than a phone call.

“We did not find that mode of communication impacted relationship quality,” Duckworth said, adding that parents should know “even simple text check-ins can positively impact their student.”

McNeil also recommends quick messages as a way to show your child you’re thinking about them without intruding on their efforts to socialize and adjust to campus life.

“Checking in without the expectation of a response allows a parent to show support without adding pressure,” he said, suggesting a message such as: “No need to reply, just wanted to say hi and I hope you’re settling in well.” The key is not to go too far and overload your student with messages, expecting a response.

If it seems that your child may be struggling, the first thing to do is simply to listen — without judgment.

“Ask them how they are doing, what is bothering them, how they are feeling
about all of these changes, and be sure they know you are always open to hearing from them, especially when things are hard,” Duckworth said.

Depending on your student’s situation, a next step might be to help them come up with a list of things they can do for their mental health (like a walk outdoors or using a meditation app). If they seem to need outside support, you can help them identify places where they can go to find it, such as student psychological services, a primary care doctor or the office that arranges academic accommodations, Duckworth suggested. She added that most colleges have a protocol for conducting wellness checks if a parent or friend is concerned about a student.