‘Stop Expecting So Much’ And Other Terrible Dating Advice People Have Actually Received

Giving relationship and dating advice isn’t particularly easy. That’s why, when your friend is going through it, the best thing you can do is often just to listen to their experiences.

Nevertheless, well-meaning friends and family persist in doling out relationship advice that’s rarely solicited and rarely helpful.

Case in point? The bad “advice” our readers say they’ve received or otherwise come across. From platitudes (“never settle”) to homework assignments (“make a list of what you want”), read what they had to say below.

“‘Just wait for it to happen’ is bad advice. The truth is that everybody has busy lives and finding the right person often requires kissing a lot of frogs. Don’t expect love to come find you. Go find it.” ― Joshua Coleman, a psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area

“Grown men don’t flex their master’s degree in mindf**kery. If he likes you, you will know it. He will show you with words and with action. Don’t discount a guy who shuns breadcrumbing or adhering to the antiquated three-day rule.” ― Jodi Meltzer, author of “Your Face Lights Up the World”

“I have heard this far too often. People think that by creating a very specific list of what they are looking for, this will help them to find love that is compatible with them. My experience is that the opposite is usually true. It’s important to have a general idea of things that might be an automatic red flag for you, yet most romantic relationships seem to develop among unlikely people in unlikely circumstances.

“My best relationships emerged with people who were so different from what I thought I was looking for. It’s about being open and willing to take a leap or adapt.” ― Rev. Brandan Robertson, pastor and author of “Dry Bones and Holy Wars: A Call for Social and Spiritual Renewal”

“It may be a digital world, but we need more than scrolling. Even as a queer woman, I’ve met my loves in real life, including my wife, who I met on a Pride Ride bicycle meetup two weeks after moving to a new city across the country from where I grew up. Going out and engaging in activities I already like makes connecting with others easier. It gives space for love to find us. Plus, we get to enjoy the ride!” ― Bex Mui, founder and author of “House of Our Queer”

“My grandmother told me I would die alone when I was a young, newly divorced single mother. And she followed it with ‘You can never expect another man to love your child.’

“That was probably her truth in the era she was born (she was born in 1918). She thought of me as damaged goods. Don’t look for love. Accept your obsolescence. That misogyny, internalized and externalized, lives on today. All those negative scripts. You’re a single parent, so you’re ‘less than.’ If anyone loves you, grab on to it and settle. Ugh. The truth is, love is everywhere. You might not get the romantic partner you dreamed of, but you might. You’re deserving of respect either way.

“My grandmother died the same year I met my husband. We’ve been married 14 years and he very much loves my son. She lived long enough to eat her words.” ― Tracy Schorn, blogger at the advice site Chump Lady and author of “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide”

“Authenticity is central to success with dating and life generally, so I don’t mean to imply for a second that you should act inauthentically. But if you’re at a stage where you’re asking for relationship advice because you’re fed up with false starts and dead ends, there’s a good chance that you’re doing something that’s holding you back romantically.

“In this case, just ‘being yourself’ and repeating the same behaviors will only get you the same results you’re dissatisfied with today. You’d be better off hitting the pause button, and making changes — whether those are changes to where you spend time, or interact with people, or how you treat yourself — before you can expect different results dating. Basically, finding a partner you’re excited about doesn’t require acting like anyone else, but it may require you to up-level yourself, and become the best version of yourself!” ― Blaine Anderson, a dating coach in Austin, Texas

“Never have a first date be a movie date. How can you get to know someone if you spend two hours not talking?” ― David Kaye, artistic director at Bad Example Productions

“Don’t listen to anyone who tells you to follow the ‘rules,’ the ‘new rules’ or any love or dating advice that encourages you to follow some playbook that’s ‘guaranteed’ to get you the relationship you want. If you have to pretend to be someone you’re not in order to find the relationship of your dreams, the only thing you’ll get is a nightmare.

“Even if you do end up finding someone that way, when your new partner realizes you’re not really the person they thought you were (and that will happen!), the relationship will crumble. At that point, not only will you have lost your partner, but you will also have lost your integrity and your time!” ― Karen Covy, divorce coach and mediator

“The worst advice I ever received came from Hollywood: ‘You can save or fix someone.’ There are countless movies out there where one character is in a bad place, but another person loves them oh-so-much that the damaged soul is saved. I tried to ‘white knight’ a woman in an abusive relationship. I wanted to show her she was worth more than what she was receiving, and it worked ― sort of. When the abusive relationship ended, she rebounded off of me, and then moved on when she found someone new. People have to be ready to grow and change. It’s not something you can force them to do.” ― Nathan Timmel, comedian and author

“This advice usually closes people off by making them intolerant of anything but perfection. Many times people have this mindset, their date will make a tiny mistake and they shut it down. Or they won’t settle for somebody based on appearance, job or education. It can also be a mantra that people use to protect themselves from stepping outside of their comfort zone, which is, ironically, being treated badly by a total jerk.

“When you say ‘Don’t settle,’ you become a judge and your date is there to prove something to you. Instead of not settling, turn it into a positive. Look for green flags, pay attention to how they make you feel. If they don’t make you feel good, then move on to the next person. Instead of seeing it as a triumph of standards, simply say ‘They’re not for me.’ In the search for love we need to be open to all possibilities.” ― Grace Lee, dating coach and founder of A Good First Date

“I think in today’s society you get almost convinced that you should be talking to five people at a time, and I think that can really mess with your mind and confuse what you’re actually looking for in the first place, which is that spark that can hopefully lead to love. You don’t want to get to a point of dating where you’re thinking about who else you will be dating later in the week. (I’m speaking to the majority of the cast of ‘Summer House’ and ‘Vanderpump Rules’ on that one.)” ― Ryan Bailey, host of the Betches Media podcast “So Bad It’s Good with Ryan Bailey”

“I was told to ‘stop expecting so much’ from love, and to ‘manage my expectations.’ I don’t agree, love does make the world go round, but finding it shouldn’t mean compromising on personal values.” ― Dawn Jorgensen, travel blogger at The Incidental Tourist

“This was by far the worst bit of advice I’ve received! One time me and the old ball and chain got into a fight over the best Triscuit flavor. Obviously it’s the Hint of Sea Salt. It’s a classic for a reason. We stayed up fighting for the next four days straight. I didn’t go to work. I got fired from my job. And I did end up waving the white flag and saying that the Cracked Pepper and Olive Oil was best. Joking, but sometimes it is better to just agree to disagree!” ― Emily Kapp, a comedy writer at The Belladonna

“I learned the hard way that a foundation of love ― even the knee-weakening, soul-awakening kind ― can crumble under pressure. Love must be fortified by a shared willingness to work together to overcome life’s earthquakes. Work may conquer all, but love does not.” ― Meltzer

Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length.