‘New Dad Depression’ Is Real: Here Are 3 Not-So-Obvious Signs Of It

Dr. Sam Wainwright was caring for new moms when he noticed a major gap in the health care system.

As an internist and pediatrician, he ran a University of Illinois Health clinic providing primary care and resources for at-risk mothers and their children. When interviewing new moms about their needs, many responded with: “This extra support is really great, but could you see my husband? … Could you see my baby’s father?”

Wainwright realized that to truly help moms at the clinic, they needed to treat postnatal depression in dads, too. So he piloted an innovative study on screening fathers.

“The American Academy of Pediatrics tells us that we should be screening moms, our moms are telling us that we should be talking to dads, so what would it look like to start … integrating fathers into the care we provide?” Wainwright said.

Christine Kowaleski, a psychiatric nurse practitioner at Crouse Health and co-chair of the New York chapter of Postpartum Support International (PSI), receives similar requests. She has found that some men choose not to speak up because they are so focused on providing for their family.

“[Postpartum] is all about mom and baby for dads,” she said. “There’s only so much emotional space in a room, and if mom is taking up that space … dad is kind of left out of that room.”

New dad depression tends to be triggered by difficult situations like trouble conceiving, traumatic births, NICU stays or supporting mom’s mental health. Research shows at least 10% of fathers are affected, but both Kowaleski and Wainwright say that the real number might be higher. To understand why it gets overlooked, we talked to two dads who lived with it, and we asked the experts to explain the subtle warning signs.

When a mom and newborn get attention, dad can feel pushed aside. With no positive reinforcement, he might become insecure in his new role.

“Moms bond very quickly with the baby, but it takes dads about two months, so for those two months they are kind of outside looking in,” said Kowaleski.

One father we spoke to, who wants to remain anonymous, started feeling distant on the day his twins were born. Twin Dad was at the hospital waiting to be brought in for his wife’s routine C-section. When the medical staff came, they said an emergency C-section was performed and the twin boy and girl had already been delivered.

“I missed it all,” he said. “I didn’t get to support and say … ‘You’re doing great!’ I didn’t get to cut an umbilical cord. I didn’t get any of the experiences that you see in the movies or TV.”

After birth, the boy twin went to the NICU, and dad missed out on skin-to-skin contact. He struggled with bonding, even when the family returned home.

“I would pull away and just feel uncomfortable holding my son,” he said. “It wasn’t until a day where he wouldn’t stop crying and I yelled, ‘Stop!’ that I realized, ‘What am I doing here? This isn’t normal.’”

Dads don’t get a nine-month biological build-up to parenthood, so feelings of fear and uncertainty are common. Compared to women, men are more likely to enter parenthood having never held a baby, and they receive less training after the baby arrives. When this is coupled with society’s expectations of strength, men might choose to withdraw rather than sharing their insecurity.

“Everyone has scary, big emotions when becoming a parent,” said Wainwright. “It starts to become a medical problem when it interferes with your normal functioning, and for a parent that means holding your baby, dressing your baby, feeding your baby, diapering your baby.”

A dad who is withdrawing might seem uncomfortable and reluctant to care for their baby, unsupportive of their partner’s well-being, disinterested in their baby’s development, quiet around friends or family, or unable to get out of bed. They might spend extra time at work or other places away from home.

When dads withdraw from their family or feel unhappy in their new lifestyle, they may seek fulfillment by indulging in unhealthy habits.

Reginald Day was a working college student when he learned his wife was pregnant. As a newly married 22-year-old, he feared the changes that lay ahead and about his ability to provide for a family.

“I believe that’s where the seed was planted in my journey that led to depression,” Day said.

Day’s anxiety was exacerbated when his family members doubted his ability to care for a baby and health care professionals conveyed a lack of respect. At prenatal appointments, he felt ignored and judged for being so young: one provider asked his wife, “Is this your boyfriend?”

Several months after the baby arrived, he learned that his wife was pregnant again, and his two children were born just 12 months apart.

Day felt that his life had gone in the wrong direction and he wasn’t good enough to be a dad. He spent more time playing video games, a space where he was successful and in control. His hobby became an obsession, and soon he was spending money on games instead of diapers.

Day’s depression built over four years until he finally reached a breaking point and got therapy. As he healed, he committed himself to helping new dads and started a nonprofit and podcast.

In addition to playing video games, depressed dads might find other unhealthy ways to feel better. This could include substance abuse, binge eating, cheating on their partner, seeking thrills like skydiving, taking risks like gambling, working too much, or spending money irresponsibly.

“New dads may pour themselves into something they can control. That can be anywhere on the spectrum from good for their health in other ways to really destructive,” Wainwright said.

Dads who are exercising slightly more than usual, taking on new projects around the house, or putting in extra effort at work might fall into that “good” category that Wainwright mentioned. It’s when their behaviors become obsessive or when they choose dangerous or detrimental pursuits that it becomes a concern.

All new parents are overwhelmed and exhausted, but even in the chaos, there should be time for self-care. A subtle sign of depression is having opportunities for hobbies, sleep or exercise, but still being unable to do those things.

Both of the dads we spoke with gave up pastimes that they used to enjoy.

“I didn’t have time or the money for [fishing] anymore; it felt like that part of me was dead,” Twin Dad said. “I refused to take time off to do something for myself. I felt guilty even thinking about it.”

Day also lost part of himself. Before kids he enjoyed working out, eating nutritious foods and sleeping well, but those healthy habits disappeared quickly.

“I remember going days with no sleep because I was weighed down by so much,” Day said. “I would get up and play video games or stay in bed with eyes staring at the ceiling, thinking, pondering all the things I had going on … I was contemplating, ‘Is there a better way? Would life be better off without me?’”

Every new parent has sleepless nights, so it’s easy to overlook sleep problems as a normal part of postpartum. But some sleep habits can signal depression.

“The subtle sign is that you actually have a chance to sleep but you still can’t, maybe because you’re worried about what’s going to happen to the baby,” Wainwright said. “Every new parent is worried … this is why doctors and other health care professionals are here: to help gauge whether your version of worry has become more unusual or atypical.”

Part of self-care is tending to mental health, and Wainwright and Kowaleski said that new parents can be hesitant to acknowledge that they are not OK, but it’s best to speak up early.

“When should they reach out to get help? The answer is yesterday,” Kowaleski said.