‘Love Echoing’ May Be Quietly Sabotaging Your Love Life

As a psychologist who specializes in helping women who deal with attachment anxiety, Marie Land quickly noticed something almost all of her clients had in common: Whether single or in a new relationship, the women tended to ruminate on their past relationships to an almost self-sabotaging degree.

A decade into her career as a psychologist, Land now calls the behavior “love echoing.”

“Love echoing occurs when you return to memories, thoughts and experiences with a person you had romantic feelings for but are no longer with,” said Land, whose office is in Washington, D.C. “It’s essentially a unique type of overthinking where past relationship thoughts echo in your mind.”

Though it’s healthy to process previous relationships, Land thinks that sometimes you can over-process the details and that the facts of your past relationship may not be relevant to your current situation.

For instance, she said, maybe you fault yourself for being wrong about your ex: You chastise yourself for falling for your idea of them rather than evaluating and making decisions based on their actions.

Now that you’re dating again, you worry that you’ll fail to correctly read new potential partners as well. That’s love echoing.

“In the realm of dating and relationships, there’s ample room for failure, but the love echoer wants to understand how they could have been wrong for so long, to prevent future hurt.”

In the process of ruminating over your mistakes with your ex, you leave little space for a new person to come into your life. You may date around, but you’re so wary of other people there’s no room for growth.

Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a couples therapist in San Diego, thinks it’s easy to let love echoing get in the way of new romantic prospects.

“When a client comes to therapy and talks about something like love echoing, what they’re often describing are the lingering emotions of a past relationship,” she told HuffPost.

“Love doesn’t just vanish when a relationship ends. Instead, it can leave behind emotional footprints ― memories, unresolved feelings and behaviors ― that continue to influence how they engage with the present,” Chappell Marsh said.

Her example? Maybe someone starts to notice that habits from their past relationship, such as being overly accommodating or afraid of abandonment, are still playing out with a new partner, and they want to prematurely jump ship because of it.

“These are the echoes of love and are often more powerful when the relationship ended abruptly or left emotional scars,” Chappell Marsh said.

Though men can certainly experience love echoing, Land said research suggests that rumination is more common among women for several reasons.

“First, women are more likely to use emotion-focused coping strategies, such as seeking social support or thinking deeply about problems, things that can start off as healthy ways of coping and then tip over into the unhealthy area,” she said.

Studies also suggest that women may be more vulnerable to cognitive patterns such as self-blame and self-evaluation, which are closely linked to rumination.

“Women are also socialized to be more attentive to relationships,” she said. “They often take on an excessive responsibility to maintain relationships.”

Love echoing is most common among those who are anxiously attached. Our attachment style ― whether we’re anxiously attached, avoidantly attached or securely attached ― takes form in childhood, based on how our parents or caregivers treated us. It’s the way we emotionally bond and relate to others in the context of close relationships.

People with anxious attachment styles may fear abandonment in relationships, certainly more than those with secure attachment styles.

“Research in the field has already established that attachment anxiety correlates with women’s anxiety and depression, but I believe rumination, like love echoing, is a significant way in which it occurs, too” she said. “It’s the overthinking part that we really need to take better control over.”

It’s worth noting that it is healthy to do a little postmortem after a breakup, to take stock of our own behavioral patterns and see what we can do better or what we can learn from the experience. At what point does that line of thinking turn unhealthy?

“There’s many ways to answer this question, but if I break it down in the simplest form, when is your overthinking causing you distress?” Land told HuffPost. “When is it keeping you from living your life fully?”

If you’re overthinking and there’s zero effect on your mood or actions, then there really isn’t a problem, she said. Unfortunately, that’s often not the case.

Dwelling on past relationships while you’re trying to navigate a new one ― or even while you’re single ― is not unlike trying to drive a car while constantly looking in the rearview mirror, Chappell Marsh said. (Spoiler alert: You’re probably going to crash.)

If you’re prone to love echoing, try to remind yourself that your past relationships are like old movies. You’ve watched them, you know the ending and hopefully you’ve learned something. But if you’re letting those experiences color your present or future, it’s time to change that channel.

“Comparing your current partner to your ex is not only unfair to your new relationship, but it’s also unfair to you,” Chappell Marsh said. “It keeps you from being fully present, which is where all the good stuff ― like connection, intimacy and trust ― actually happens.”

As for what to do instead, stay present as much as possible.

“When those past experiences start creeping in, ask yourself: Is this thought useful? Is it relevant? Or is it just a fear echoing from the past? If it’s the latter, acknowledge it and let it go,” Chappell Marsh. “This isn’t about denying your past, it’s about recognizing when it’s hijacking your present.”