I Thought I Was Ready For Parenting. But This 1 Thing Only Gets Worse As My Son Grows Up.

“I love you!” I shouted out the car window as my son walked into his first day of middle school.

Maybe he didn’t hear me, or maybe it was an early case of “tween embarrassment,” but his usual huge smile back was replaced by the tiniest of smirks. Wow. That was different.

My hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, and I couldn’t escape the truth: My not-so-little guy was one step closer to high school and too many steps away from the toddler who wouldn’t let me out of his sight. The heavy feeling in my chest made it hard to breathe, and I drove home willing my tears to wait. After 10 years, I’m still not prepared for the grief motherhood brings.

Before becoming a mom, I knew about stuff like lack of sleep, mom guilt and the tiny goldfish crumbs that would perpetually line the bottom of my handbag. What no one mentioned was that along with big love, there would be heavier feelings looming. I felt this heaviness when my son learned to walk and he left behind his shuffly crawl, and it was there again on his first day of kindergarten — when he waved goodbye, it was my grief that waved hello. Is parenting always like this?

Megan B. Bartley, a licensed therapist and founder of The Mindfulness Center, told HuffPost that grief is a very real part of the parenting process. “Grief is bigger than sadness and more complicated,” Bartley said. The Cleveland Clinic defines grief as “the experience of coping with loss,” and it’s this element that makes grief more intense and multilayered than sadness. While you can clearly have sad moments as a parent, grief rises during times of profound shifts and carries a sense of finality — like when our kids leave one developmental phase and move to the next.

Certified grief educator Moira Khan told HuffPost that experiencing grief while parenting is normal. “People feel grief at different times during their parenting journey as their children grow up,” Kahn said. When a toddler says “yellow” instead of “lellow” or a teen chooses to hang with friends over their “super sigma” parents, this shift is not only surprising, but can trigger feelings of loss. Grief emerges as we say goodbye to who our child was, and embrace who they are becoming.

When I dropped my son off for middle school that first morning, I anticipated feeling sad. My husband and I talked about this being an obvious milestone the night before, so I was ready to feel some feelings. But it was my child’s new adult smile that triggered my grief spiral. “Grief occurs in situations where we have no control,” Kahn said. Case and point: I loved my son’s huge kid-like grin, and in that moment I knew it was gone. Cue the grief.

Bartley told HuffPost that parenting in and of itself is a grieving process: “From the beginning we’re tasked with constantly letting go of our child with every phase.” This process is developmentally appropriate, and Khan emphasized to HuffPost that parents don’t need to feel guilty when this emotion occurs because the experience is universal.

Jessica S., a mother of two from California, told HuffPost her son’s learning drive has brought on feelings of parenting grief. “Ninety percent of my bonding time with my kids is driving them around, and I’m going to lose that mother/child intimacy,” Jessica said. Walking her children into school and helping with bath times were all grieved when gone. And Jessica adds the awareness that these times will never come again increases feelings of loss.

“The process of parenting is both being connected to someone and letting them go,” Bartley said. This duality is a parenting constant, and Zac H., a father to a 5-year-old in Indiana, told HuffPost he recently moved through parenting grief when his daughter lost her first tooth. “She was at school when it came out and she threw it in the garbage,” Zac said. He and his wife discussed their feelings of loss during this milestone and “not seeing that little tooth after it came out.” So, how can we honor this process and experience grief in a healthy way?

Khan said many familiar tools can support you through your grief like journaling, exercise, mediation and healthy eating. A Harvard study showed meditation boosts your mood and another study reported walking for only 15 minutes a day reduces risks of depression. Khan also suggested talking to your support network and remembering it’s OK to reach out: “If you have friends and family — lean into these people.” You can also contact a professional, because you don’t need to cope on your own. “Sometimes we need help from someone like me who can relate,” Khan said.

Along with these proven methods of moving through complex feels, Bartley said to build a specific grief honoring ceremony/ritual for this purpose. “Set some sort of ritual around these transitions — a way to honor what phase you were in and then moving on to the next one,” Bartley said. These can look like lighting a candle, scrapbooking or even planting flowers. Both experts note grief can take time to leave us, but be sure to take your moment and honor the phase you were in, so you can be present in the next.

I thought with all this practice I’d be an emotional pro by now, but grief-filled moments move through my parenting in both expected ways and moments that surprise me. As my son grows up, I find it harder to let him move further away, and it’s here Bartley advised parents to be gentle with themselves when they’re in this space and to “hold yourself like you do your child.”

To help with the process, I’ve started writing letters to mark these endings and beginnings. That’s when I notice that my grief will eventually melt away, and I’m left with memories that warm my heart. Bartley shared with HuffPost her favorite quote about grief by author Jamie Anderson: “Grief is just love with nowhere to go.” She encourages parents to take their love and channel into their next parenting phase, because when the grief ends, it’s the love that will carry us through.