Now, This Is What A Truly Supportive Grandparent Looks Like

Whether it’s a smiling face at school pickup or a favorite dish at mealtime, the support that grandparents provide gives children (and their parents) a solid, loving foundation that will shape the rest of their lives.

Some grandparents, however, go above and beyond. When we asked members of our HuffPost Parents Facebook community to share examples of the way grandparents had supported their families, they set an extremely high bar.

Dana Lopez described how her in-laws welcomed her family into their home, building an extension on their house to accommodate them, and have provided child care, including school drop-offs and pick-ups.

“They have gone above and beyond for years, and there isn’t a moment I take their support for granted,” Lopez said. “I’m at my dream job because of them, and my sons have wonderful relationships with their grandparents. I’m forever thankful.”

Denise Kinderling, a mother of four in Pennsylvania, described the time she was recovering from serious health issues and her parents took all four children under their wing for almost a month, taking them on vacation and arranging play dates. “Not only am I incredibly grateful to my parents, I literally could not do this parenting thing without them,” she said.

Sarah Peterson Rhine of Ohio explained that her family was able to navigate the chaos of the pandemic by having the kids attend “Grandma school” while both parents were required to report to work. “I don’t know how we would have gotten through that crazy time without Grandma and Grandpa,” she said.

Mary Anne McGory explained that her mother paid $1,200 a month for a year so that her daughter could access the gender-affirming health care she needed.

But it isn’t only large gifts of time or money that make a difference. While Anita Dalton’s in-laws were a huge help when they showed up with a new washing machine after hearing hers had broken, they also brought a memorable gift. “They saw our garden plants looking sad, so they brought some from their garden to make ours look more lively,” she said.

Here are some of the many ways to be a supportive grandparent, according to several experts.

A grandparent’s role is different than a parent’s. They won’t get the final say on matters like screen time limits or sleepovers, but this lack of authority gives them an irreplaceable role in a grandchild’s life by freeing the relationship from a certain degree of tension.

“For kids who might be having a tough time with mom or dad, grandparents can be a huge relief and source of support to listen to the child venting about parents or sharing information they would not normally share,” therapist Tammy Gold told HuffPost.

They also bring a wealth of knowledge. Grandparents “have intimate knowledge of not only the child but also of at least one of the parents, and they have a lifetime of parenting successes and mistakes from which to draw,” therapist Renee Zavislack told HuffPost.

“Every parent I have ever worked with in therapy wishes they could go back and redo the mistakes they made with their children — grandparents get this chance with grandkids,” she said.

This expertise extends to family history and cultural traditions, as well. “Grandparents can be powerful sources of family identity,” Kendra Thomas, a psychology professor at Hope College, told HuffPost.

“As children grow into adolescents, they need to understand their role in the larger family picture. Feeling a sense of belonging to a culture, ethnic group, and community is a strong protective factor for adolescents. Telling family stories, stories of their parents, or stories of the grandchild as a baby can provide a sense of self and family,” she said.

Ways to share cultural traditions might include making a recipe with a grandchild, speaking to them in a native language, or planning an event for the whole family.

Most families struggle to balance the demands of paid work, caregiving and other responsibilities. Even one hour of help from a grandparent can mean a meaningful reprieve.

“Whether it is with rides to and from activities or preparing snacks and meals at home, grandparents can pick up the slack that so often puts modern parents over the edge,” Zavislack said. “This help means not only that the children are taken care of, but that the parents are less stressed and more resourced for parenting.”

Even if a grandparent doesn’t live close by, they can create meaningful ways to maintain the bond with a grandchild. Gold suggested a phone or video call in which each person reports the highs and lows of the past week.

For a younger child, a grandparent might mail them stickers every week, while an older child might want to share daily Wordle results, Thomas said.

No matter the frequency of visits, grandparents can come up with a special meal, game or activity to enjoy with the grandkids, be it cooking, gardening or doing a puzzle.

These “touchpoints,” Thomas explained, will need to change as children grow: “Don’t hesitate to find different paths to them in different seasons of life. Children develop quickly, and what worked in 6th grade might not work in 7th grade.” She recommended that grandparents “find a new touchpoint in each season,” and “do not try to replicate the same touchpoint with another grandchild.”

If there are multiple grandchildren, they will appreciate any one-on-one attention. This could be as simple as getting ice cream after picking a child up from their weekly dance class.

Being involved in family life “benefits kids, parents and grandparents if done with clear, healthy communications and expectations,” Gold said.

As in all relationships, it’s important to establish and respect boundaries. Gold recommended discussing “clear outlines of what is needed and not needed and start and stop times so that everyone is clear.”

Grandparents might agree to a certain number of hours of child care per week, for example, and feel taken advantage of if parents frequently come home later than expected. Likewise, parents might get upset if grandparents push bedtimes or bend the rules on screen time or snacks.

It is important that grandparents respect parents’ choices when it comes to parenting their children, and do not second-guess or criticize them, particularly in front of grandchildren.

Grandparents “indirectly affect the parenting of their grandchildren,” Thomas said, in ways that can be positive or negative.

“Grandparents can undermine their children’s confidence in their ability to parent (being harsh critics or passive-aggressive). But they can also be sources of incredible support,” she said.

Things are different today than when grandparents were growing up and raising their own children. But in order to encourage communication and connection with grandchildren, it’s helpful to express curiosity instead of passing judgment when it comes to the things that matter to grandkids.

Social media or video games might be confounding, but instead of saying, “‘These games make no sense! Why would you want to play this?’ try, ‘Wow. I have never seen anything like this. Can you tell me how you play? What do you like best about this game?’” Zavislack suggested.

“Criticism kills connection, and curiosity builds connection,” she added.

Thomas encouraged grandparents to have faith that their efforts are making a difference. “Do not underestimate the effect,” she said. “If you consistently carve a path to your grandchild, they will notice. Just knowing the grandparent is in their corner, cheering for them, matters.”