6 Things Nobody Tells You About Being A Stepparent

Growing up, I was someone’s stepchild. That experience, coupled with the wicked stepparent trope, taught me everything I needed to know about what not to do when I entered the relationship that would make me a stepparent.

But as for figuring out the rest? I had a good foundation as someone who had been a caretaker before, but that’s not everyone’s story. Stepparenting and the pressures around it can be a real challenge.

I’m about a decade into stepparenting and still learning daily — still gaining an understanding of where I fit into things. As I talk to more stepparents, I realize that’s not uncommon. Kids grow up, boundaries shift and families look different from year to year.

Here are the things nobody tells you about stepparenting, according to stepparents themselves.

Many discussions about parenting emphasize the importance of having a support system. The support that any one person requires varies, but many find that people don’t extend themselves the same way when you’re a stepparent.

“I have friends who are moms, but they don’t consider me a mom,” shared one Georgia stepmom, who parents a 7-year-old with her husband and his ex and who requested to stay anonymous. “They seemed uncomfortable when I shared my frustrations about parenting. I later learned it was because they didn’t feel my stepdaughter was mine to ‘complain’ about.”

Kristie Tse, psychotherapist and founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling, told HuffPost that it’s important to have someone you can lean on as a stepparent.

“Developing a network of understanding peers can provide insights and emotional support, which are not always available within the immediate family. This can include trusted friends, therapist-led groups or online communities where shared experiences and strategies are exchanged,” Tse said.

“Establishing this kind of support can help mitigate feelings of isolation, offering a sense of belonging and reducing stress. Actively seeking out these resources is essential, as they offer a space to share challenges without judgment and empower stepparents in their role.”

If you’re in a shared custody situation, you’re partially at the mercy of the other parent. You shouldn’t accept the responsibility of being a stepparent if you wouldn’t be comfortable having the child full time should circumstances require it. Life is unpredictable, and things can change.

“We had 50/50 for years — on paper, but it was more of a 70/30 for many years. For one year, it was 90/10,” said a New Jersey stepmom of 19 years who preferred to remain anonymous.

“It wasn’t an issue of my stepchild being there. For me, it was a lack of ability to plan things with an erratic schedule that often had us stepping up in a pinch. But to a kid, you can see how that looks like not wanting them around. And if there’s an adult in their ear? It could be bad,” she added.

Darlene Taylor, a child and family developmental specialist and author of “It’s Not About Us: A Co-Parenting Survival Guide to Taking the High Road,” said that in contentious situations, it is vital for stepparents to “be the voice of reason and the support.”

“I think the best thing you can do as a support system for the primary parent is not to fan the flames. Help them stay on what I call the high road. Often I think people confuse supporting someone with bashing the other person together, and that’s not necessarily the best way to lend your support,” she said.

With time and experience, you build confidence in parenting. But when raising a stepchild, you’ll second-guess yourself a thousand times over. If you say something, will it start a fight between co-parents or you and your partner? Will your stepchild feel betrayed?

“I’ve got plenty of strong opinions about parenting as the oldest of four kids who did a lot of stepping in for my parents growing up,” Rosa, a stepparent in New York, said. “For years, my spouse and I have talked about parenting ideals we share, but some of them aren’t reflected in how he parents the child he shares with his ex. It can be frustrating and make me nervous about issues arising in raising the child we share as he gets older.”

Jackie Pilossoph, founder of Divorced Girl Smiling — a service, blog and podcast dedicated to connecting divorced individuals with professionals — said that in this situation, you must respectfully negotiate those boundaries.

“You have to respect the way the other person parents. Sometimes people are there rolling their eyes, like, ‘I wouldn’t handle that this way,’ but remember that it’s your spouse’s child, and you must respect their decisions,” Pilossoph said. “You can make suggestions but can’t take things personally. I always tell my stepkids, ‘I’m here for you as a role model, friend and stepmom. I realize you have a mother, and I just want to be here for you as another source of support.’”

As a stepparent, you have most of the same responsibilities as a primary parent, especially when the child is with you. Many stepparents feel overlooked when it comes to milestone moments or the daily grind when gratitude is expressed — by co-parents or kids.

“I’ve planned my share of birthday parties. I’ve heard my husband get credit for it,” the New Jersey stepmom admitted. “We do divide and conquer, but my schedule made it so I was always more easily available than my husband or his ex. My husband learned to show his gratitude, but I’d be lying if I didn’t feel like their parenting assistant more than a stepparent some days, running from place to place thanklessly.”

You can’t control how your stepchild relates to you. For one, you have no control over how your stepchild feels about you at any point in your relationship. You can do your best, but that’s the extent of it, as hopeless as that can sometimes feel.

That also applies to the future. Not every relationship works out, and, sadly, should you and your spouse split, your relationship with your stepchild may not continue in the way you want it to or at all.

All of the stepparents I spoke with agreed that as tricky as the road can be, they adore their stepchildren. You feel their highs and lows just as much as any parent. For every challenging moment, there have been countless memories that I wouldn’t trade for anything.