6 Phrases You Should Never Say When Your Partner Is Having A Bad Day

When your partner is having a bad day, you want to do what you can to help them feel a little better — not make an already crappy day worse.

Unfortunately, sometimes even well-meaning comments have a way of doing just that. That’s why we asked relationship experts which phrases you probably want to avoid when your partner is having a rough go of it.

“Probably” is the key word here, as what people do and do not want to hear in this situation can vary quite a bit.

“Some people might appreciate a problem-solving approach, whereas others may just want you to listen,” Toronto-based relationship expert Jessica O’Reilly, who is also the resident sexologist at Astroglide, told HuffPost. “Your partner may feel invalidated if you offer them solutions, while another may feel supported and empowered.”

We have a tendency to support others the same way we’d like to be supported. But sometimes that’s not the best course of action, O’Reilly said.

“This golden rule — ‘Treat others how you want to be treated’ — doesn’t always apply since our needs, experiences and expectations are unique,” she explained. “Instead, we need to consider the platinum rule: Treat others how they want to be treated — within reason.”

Read on to find out which unhelpful phrases you should consider avoiding when your partner is having a tough time.

While this remark is typically said with positive intentions, it minimizes your partner’s feelings about the situation at hand, said relationship expert Amy Chan, founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp.

“It can make them feel guilty for being upset and suggest that their feelings aren’t valid or worthy of attention,” she told HuffPost. “This comparison rarely provides comfort and often makes the person feel more alone in their struggles.”

Northern California therapist Kurt Smith, who specializes in counseling men, said a “fix-it response” —“Either how to not feel bad or how to resolve what caused that feeling” — is common among male partners.

“Most men want to avoid dealing with feelings, so they find giving advice on the problem — such as handling the kids or a boss — much easier and more comfortable than opening the door to hearing how their partner is really feeling,” Smith told HuffPost.

This is another example of a comment that minimizes the situation and your partner’s feelings about it, which can make them feel invalidated, said Brianne Billups Hughes, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara, California.

“What might not seem significant to you could be deeply troubling to them,” she told HuffPost. “When you don’t acknowledge that something is a big deal to your partner, they usually feel lonely and like they can’t tell you how they are feeling. This phrase can create emotional distance, making them feel that their emotions are unimportant or exaggerated.”

Similarly, avoid saying things to your partner like “it’s not that bad.” Even if the issue really isn’t bad in the grand scheme of things, “if they’re upset, they’re unlikely to find this helpful in the heat of the moment,” O’Reilly said.

“Give them some time to calm down and then consider ways to put things in perspective,” she said. “When we’re upset, we’re often physiologically flooded — heart racing, palms sweating, blood pressure heightened — and our capacity to be our regular rational selves is diminished.”

You may just be trying to help them see the problem from another perspective, but “you’re likely better off taking a pause and listening to their concerns in the heat of the moment,” she added.

Whenever you begin a sentence with the words “at least” — even if you’re trying to be encouraging by pointing out a silver lining — it tends to come off as dismissive, Chan said.

“It shifts the focus from their current emotional state to something that’s supposed to make them feel better, which can feel like you’re brushing off their concerns,” she added.

Telling someone to relax or calm down has a way of doing just the opposite — even if it’s meant to be soothing, Hughes said.

“It can come across as dismissive and patronizing, implying that your partner’s emotions are a problem that needs to be fixed quickly,” she said. “This approach can make them feel more upset and less [understood], potentially escalating the situation rather than resolving it.”

Telling someone to relax or calm down suggests you think they are overreacting.

In addition to potentially intensifying frustration or other unpleasant emotions, telling your partner to calm down can make them feel judged, rather than supported, O’Reilly said.

Avoid any attempt to immediately bring the conversation back to yourself, rather than giving your partner a chance to vent.

“It’s very easy and comfortable for most of us to talk about ourselves. We often don’t even realize how much we do it,” Smith said.

“What’s needed most when a partner is having a bad day is some empathy. But most people don’t know how to do that, so they end up talking about themselves rather than their partner who probably needs a little focus on how they’re struggling.”

All of these examples are reminders of how important it is to avoid rushing to offer solutions or downplaying your partner’s feelings. Instead, approach the situation with a sense of empathy and understanding, Hughes said.

“Focus on listening and validating their emotions. Phrases like, ‘I’m here for you,’ and ‘That sounds really hard,’ can be far more supportive,” she said.

“Creating a safe space for your partner to express themselves without judgment strengthens the emotional connection and fosters a sense of mutual trust and respect,” Hughes continued.

“While it may be tempting to jump to problem-solving, often, partners just want to feel heard and understood as they move through their feelings and on to the next step, which can include finding solutions.”