5 Things To Stop Saying To A Child With ADHD

“Sit still and pay attention!” I’ll never forget my first grade teacher’s stern words, which played on repeat, no matter how hard I tried to comply. That combination was impossible for what I’d later recognize as my ADHD brain. I spent much of that year in timeout and feeling embarrassed.

The next year, Mrs. Sauer (no need to conceal this hero’s name) allowed me to be myself. Seemingly aware of my need to stay active, she let me open a paper grocery store in the back of the classroom and teach my peers how to crochet on pencils. I thrived that year, academically and emotionally.

Over 1 in 10 kids in the United States have been diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Experts agree that treating kids with ADHD as though they’re neurotypical, which frequently happens, can have lasting negative repercussions. And shifting our language is an important step toward helping them thrive.

Contrary to popular belief, ADHD entails much more than attention challenges. “Those who struggle with ADHD struggle with organizing and planning, time management, memory, task initiation, impulsive behaviors, and chronic boredom in routine,” explained Ryann Sutera, a licensed speech-language pathologist and advocate for neurodiversity-affirming communication.

Mikki Lee, a psychologist and assessment specialist, considers ADHD a unique way of processing information and learning. “ADHD brains are actually different … in terms of structure and connectivity,” she said. As a result, traditional school settings are often a mismatch. “Over time, the difficulties [kids with ADHD] experience can erode their self-esteem, because they’re constantly being told to correct their behavior,” she noted.

Positive language can make all the difference, according to Kristen McClure, a therapist who specializes in ADHD. “How we speak to children becomes the voice they will use to talk to themselves as adults,” she said. “Encouraging, loving language fosters self-compassion, emotional regulation, and resilience, while critical or dismissive language can lead to shame, self-doubt and even depression.”

Speaking in “a kind and encouraging way,” she added, can also help kids with ADHD better navigate, or even avoid, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, which causes debilitating reactions to criticism and mistakes.

Research shows that up to 85% of kids with ADHD meet the criteria for impaired working memory. That explains why your child may struggle to hold on to or comprehend instructions. Forgetting tasks and obligations probably has little to do with how much they care.

Telling your child with ADHD they’d remember if they cared is problematic, said Sutera, “mostly because that’s not how memory functioning works for neurodivergent people.” It’s not that your child can’t recall important information, but that they may need tools to do so.

When they have a memory lapse, Sutera recommends saying, “I know memory can be tricky with ADHD. Would you like me to send a reminder or help set up a system that works for you?” Visual and audio reminders, like Post-it notes and phone alerts, have been shown to help.

If you’ve ever had an eye exam for corrective lenses, you know what it’s like to try to read words you can barely see. Squinting may help, but you can’t “try” your way to clearer vision.

Telling a child to “try harder” when they’re challenged by a task is similar. They’re probably already trying their best, said Lee, so “this statement can make them feel defeated and like success is out of reach.” Instead, she said, acknowledge your child’s effort by saying, “I see how hard you’re working and I’m proud of you for that.”

If your child can’t move forward with a required task, help them identify the block and solutions. If typing stands in the way of completing an essay, for example, Lee suggests asking, “How about you talk out your ideas first while I jot down notes?” or inquiring whether a voice-to-text app would help.

It can be frustrating to see your child act on impulse and pay for it. Impulsivity is one reason people with unmanaged ADHD are more accident prone than others.

While instructing your child to think before acting may seem reasonable, said McClure, ADHD impulse control challenges are rooted in neurology. Kids with ADHD “often struggle to pause and reflect before acting, not because they don’t want to, but because their brain processes information differently,” she explained.

Rather than criticize your child for their brain-based differences, help them build skills in ways that feel natural and empowering, offered McClure. You could say, “I notice your brain wants to go fast right now. What would help slow things down?” or “It’s OK to get excited. Let’s figure out what will help.”

Kids with ADHD are often deeply engaged when they’re interested in something. Such passionate attention, known as hyperfocus, can serve as a mighty ADHD strength. When your child isn’t into an activity, however, their involvement can plummet to zero. And that’s OK.

“Forcing an ADHD child to stick with an activity they no longer enjoy, one that doesn’t play to their strengths or one that has become overwhelming, can lead to discouragement and emotional dysregulation,” McClure said. Because ADHD brains thrive on engagement, autonomy and flexibility, she added, “rigid expectations can create stress, rather than resilience.”

Rather than forcing your child to stay committed to something unappealing, McClure recommends supporting them in “making adjustments that foster self-awareness, emotional regulation, and the ability to advocate for their needs — skills they’ll need for life.”

Expecting someone with ADHD to function well by halting movement is like expecting a car to cruise with the brakes on. “ADHD children often need to move to focus, regulate emotions, or process information,” said McClure. “Suppressing this can lead to stress, disconnection from their body, and emotional meltdowns.”

Instead, she suggests saying, “I notice you’re moving a lot. It’s OK to move when you need to. We can take a short break and go outside.”

Such activity pays off. One study showed that kids with ADHD were 45%-55% more able to pay attention while using a fidget toy. Other research has shown that activities like judo enhance their working memory.

“If they’re moving, it’s because they need to,” McClure said. “Never punish that.”