5 Subtle Signs You’re Putting Too Much Pressure On Your Kid

For the past couple of weeks, my tween daughter has been happier than usual. She was extra kind to her brother and she completed her homework with a good attitude. What shifted her mood? I think it was the change from attending almost daily extracurriculars to having no activities at all. In hindsight, she wasn’t getting enough free time.

In our competitive society, parents pack childhood resumes with sports, clubs, jobs and academic achievements. I’m guilty of this, as are many families, because it’s easy to get caught in the race to bragging rights and top-tier colleges. After all, our kids need excellent jobs to pay for those top-tier college loans.

Kids and teens usually won’t start a conversation about stress. They’re hesitant to open up because they don’t want to disappoint their parents. They might end up staying silent until they reach a breaking point, and no one wants a child to break down.

We asked experts how parents can stay proactive in gauging the requirements they put on their kids. They told us the subtle signs that might signal a need to reevaluate your expectations.

When kids are overwhelmed, but they don’t want to disappoint their parents, excuses pop up. They might have a stomachache, lose their athletic equipment or move at sloth speed. If they lack the coping tools to manage their obligations, they will start to avoid the tasks entirely.

“Consider what’s the ‘why’ for the kid: Why is the kid taking dance, why is the kid taking the extra math class?” said Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author of the New York Times bestseller “Under Pressure.” “If the ‘why’ is because the parent wants it, but the kid themselves doesn’t have an investment, that’s the time to think hard about whether it’s the right way to go.”

Some things can be easily dropped if kids don’t want to participate. Other obligations, like school, can’t be avoided. In either case, the way that a parent handles a child’s avoidance can either increase or decrease stress.

Consider an example that Damour shares in her book: A student felt unprepared for her chemistry test. She wanted her dad to pick her up before the test. If her dad helped her avoid it, he would end up reinforcing the problem, making her less resilient in the long run. Instead, the teen needed a caring champion like her dad, or in this case, a counselor, to guide her through solutions like getting clarification from the teacher, reviewing with peers and looking up tutorials online. She ended up squeezing in extra studying, taking the test and learning to be more adaptable thanks to the guidance of a calm adult.

“[Parents] can have an open conversation with their kid where they make it clear that they don’t have a strong agenda.” Damour said. “They are trying to get a sense of how [their kid] is feeling about the things that they are doing and what they are working on.”

Kids who seem unusually unfocused, unmotivated or irritable might not be getting enough rest time. Children and teens are supposed to get between nine and 11 hours of sleep per night. On top of that, they need downtime during the day to recharge.

“When your stress goes up, there are all of these depletions that happen,” said Michele Borba, educational psychologist and author of “Thrivers: The Surprising Reason Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.” “Your sleep goes, your energy level goes, your focus ability goes.”

Jumping from school to sports to homework to bed doesn’t work for every kid. Judging your own child’s ability based on someone else’s schedule creates unrealistic expectations.

“Don’t use what other kids are doing as a measure of what your kids should do,” Damour said. ”It’s important for kids to do hard things and to grow, but they need to be able to recover adequately, and recovery looks really, really different from kid to kid.”

One child may attend school and then recover at sports practice before going home to study. Another may need to have downtime after a long day of classes. Damour recommends becoming attuned to how much recovery your kid needs and what recovery looks like specifically for them.

Kids who are intrinsically motivated by their own interests and desires tend to outperform those who are pushed by their parents. Your child’s performance and attitude can show you their level of investment.

“Watch the more subtle ways that your kid responds to their activity or their work.” Borba said. “When they really are enjoying it, they are more tenacious with it. They continue to learn faster in it, and there is a need for it.”

While tenacity can reveal that a kid is thriving in a certain situation, complacency can reveal stress or discomfort.

“If it feels like your kid is … not building capacity or building skill, it might be time to let them take a break from it,” Damour said. “Perhaps you’re getting the sense or feedback from the adults involved in the activity that your kid is just ‘phoning it in.’”

This means your child is meeting obligations, but they are not interested in improving or reaching new goals. This is different from being at a plateau in development where they want to improve but some lack of ability is holding them back. At those plateaus, kids really rely on parents for extra support. It’s when they are showing up but are not invested in succeeding that it’s time to evaluate whether they really want to be involved in the activity.

Every kid has unique talents. For some, academics can be a tough place to shine. If your child is struggling in school and doesn’t care, it’s natural to want to push them harder. That approach can end up backfiring, though.

“[Most] of the time we focus on our kids’ weaknesses and their deficits, not their strengths, their talents, or what they did right,” Borba said.

When kids score low on tests, they lose confidence. They might carry on with a level of doubt about their talents and abilities. A parent’s reaction can make a big difference in their ability to cope and rebuild self-esteem. Think of it this way: If your kid takes a test, and you see it in the online grade book, how will you handle it? Will you be texting them in a panic? Will you register them for extra help? Or, will you wait and ask them what’s going on?

“The place where this goes off the rails is when the student and the parent aren’t in alignment about the goals; when the parent cares a lot more about the student’s work than the student does,” Damour said. “The answer there is not necessarily to press the student harder. Often that will backfire, especially if you have a teenager.”

Instead of pushing harder, Damour recommends an open conversation to explore the best options for your child. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to development. A disconnect between you and your child might mean it’s time to evaluate whether your wishes are realistic, or whether there are other reasons behind your child’s behavior.

Watching kids participate in sports and clubs is exciting and parents can quickly get swept up in visions of their kid scoring the game-winning shot or singing a concert solo. With all the choices and opportunities, we sometimes forget that extracurriculars are optional. They exist to give kids an additional way to develop skills, but it’s also OK to skip them altogether.

“Watch the tone and the eagerness when it’s time for an activity,” Borba said. “Behavior is always the telltale sign.”

If your kid does not seem to be happy when participating in an activity, but you are still encouraging attendance, it might be time to pause and ask if they still enjoy it.

“It’s not that they should love every minute of school or extracurricular activities, but on a balance, we would want our kids to have a sense of growing mastery and pride in the work they are doing,” Damour said.