5 Key Differences Between Parenting In The U.S. And France, According To An American Living Abroad

There’s something about the French that inspires Americans to make comparisons in which we inevitably come up lacking. Books about how to eat (and be thin) like a French woman and how to raise obedient, well-nourished and well-rested children like a French parent have become national bestsellers. It’s as though we’re all watching French people nonchalantly sip wine and eat baguettes (while their children sit politely and eat vegetables nearby) and wondering what exactly it is they have that we don’t. Could we become as effortlessly elegant if we only knew their secret?

The list of things that the French do better than us seems to have no end. They have better bread, cheese and produce, better fashion sense and better cosmetics, less stress and better health overall.

American parents, on the other hand, are under such duress that the U.S. surgeon general was inspired to issue an advisory statement regarding our mental health.

Unlike our French counterparts, American parents are frazzled, sleep-deprived, cash-strapped and operating at the whims of our little dictators. We’d do anything to catch a break.

Some of the French advantage can be attributed to policies such as European Union bans on chemicals in food and other products (explaining some American parents’ penchant for feeding their babies European infant formula), universal health care, subsidized child care and paid parental leave (though it should be noted that France’s 16 weeks of paid maternity leave — 25 days for fathers — is paltry compared to the 12-plus months offered in some other European nations).

But a lot of the French advantage stems from something more elusive — a superior quality of life that leaves America in its shadow.

Readers were fascinated, for example, by a recent HuffPost piece in which an American mother living in France describes her biggest culture shock: her son’s school lunch.

How different could a school lunch possibly be? Writer Erica Jackson Curran described a “four-course meal on offer including a starter, main, cheese course and dessert.” So très French.

Back home in Virginia, her son’s school lunch was a “quick, no-frills affair” and featured menu items such as “hamburgers, chicken nuggets, hot dogs and pizza,” Jackson Curran wrote. It was all served on disposable trays with plastic cutlery that went into the garbage once the meal was over. Her son complained “that lunch was his least favorite part of the school day,” Jackson Curran wrote.

In Bordeaux, however, she described her son’s cafeteria as “a cozy yellow room where the students sit at tables with eight place settings. The meal is served on real plates with real cutlery, which are washed and reused the following day. A pitcher of water sits on each table, which students pour into their own glasses and refill themselves.”

One daily menu consisted of “salade de lentilles (lentil salad), aiguillettes de saumon meuniere (butter-fried salmon) with ratatouille, Emmental for the cheese course, and organic fruit salad for dessert,” Jackson Curran wrote.

This might all seem like a lot of effort for a non-academic part of the school day, but what Jackson Curran realized was that lunchtime was, to the French, a time for a different kind of learning.

“Lunch is very much a part of the students’ education where they learn about proper nutrition, balanced eating and the value of trying new things. They’re practicing socializing, self-sufficiency and sustainability while benefiting from a well-deserved rest in the middle of a busy day,” she wrote.

Perhaps it is this attention to detail that makes the French experience more civilized and enjoyable. The end result is the same — the children eat lunch — but the process is less rushed and more pleasant.

Recently, the Instagram duo Annabel and Dale (user name wearemorethanmoms) posted a video about the differences in parenting in France, breaking it down into five points. Not surprisingly, their American followers were intrigued and the post went viral.

Annabel, who asked that her last name be withheld, told HuffPost that when she spent this July and August in France with her toddler, she immediately noticed a difference in the way that kids and parents were acting.

“Day-to-day in Paris we would see kids sitting quietly (with no screens) while their parents ate meals and engaged in quality time together. Kids would play independently while their parents socialized at the park or worked on their computer at a coffee shop,” Annabel told HuffPost.

As noted in the video, French parents go about their day-to-day business with their kids in tow without any worry over how the children will be entertained while they run errands or stop by a cafe. French parents, perhaps, believe that tagging along teaches kids important life skills and that education has a value unto itself.

Second, the video notes the superior quality of French baby products, which can be attributed to the more stringent EU standards.

“Clean products were readily available at pharmacies and grocery stores, were at an accessible price point and were less processed than mainstream products found in the U.S.,” Annabel said.

The third thing Annabel noticed is that, unlike their little American counterparts, French children do not spend all day slurping pouches of pureed fruit and pulling Cheerios or puffs from portable snack cups. French children happily consume three meals a day plus a gouter, or snack, in the afternoon.

“I love the concept of a gouter because kids eat well-balanced, nutritious meals and also get to have their gouter (usually consisting of a sweeter snack/treat), which promotes the concept of no restrictions, everything in moderation,” Annabel said.

The video also points out that compact, travel strollers seem to be the norm. That could be the narrow European alleyways, or maybe Americans feel the need to purchase hulking strollers to match our enormous SUVs and pickup trucks.

Finally, the video notes a less judgmental attitude toward other parents’ choices about when to return to work and how to feed their babies.

“I spoke to a lot of French moms about … the societal pressures they felt around breastfeeding, going back to work, taking time for self-care… etc. They shared that they did not feel pressure to parent a certain way,” Annabel said.

“They just did what felt right for them and for their family. Judgment/comparison (of others and themselves) wasn’t something they engaged in at all.” She noted that her sample size was small, but she found hearing all this “refreshing.”

Some commenters noted that French parents don’t escape this pressure entirely, but it’s nice to think that there’s a part of the world where friends and family wouldn’t react with equal nonchalance to you exposing a breast or pulling out a bottle of formula to feed your child.

Though some of French parents’ relaxed attitudes may be attributable to benefits such as universal health care and paid leave, Annabel said, “I felt that French culture was a lot more laid back and that French society put less pressure on moms to be/act a certain way.”

Perhaps the grass is always greener, but it’s hard not to covet the image of small children enjoying a four course meal with real silverware and china, or the promise of a pain au chocolat in the afternoon. Le sigh.