10 Ways To Be A Lazier Parent (And Still Raise Awesome Kids)

When I gave birth to four kids inside the tiny span of four years, I had no choice but to let some things go. There’s nothing like a household chock-full of criers (my husband and I included) to rearrange priorities and lay waste to perfectionism.

Turns out, that essentials-only approach was the best thing that ever happened to my parenting. I quickly learned that not only would my kids be fine if I didn’t accommodate their every whim, but they’d be more independent and self-assured, too.

My advice? Kick up your feet — and raise capable kids.

My kids’ timing is mathematically precise. They wait until the moment I’ve pulled dinner from the oven, portioned it onto their plates, and sunk into a chair (probably for the first time since sunrise) to blurt out, “Can you get me a fork?”

Or sometimes it’s, “Can you get me water? A napkin?”

Whatever the question, my answer is the same: No, darling child, I cannot. The utensils drawer is equidistant from our seats at the table. Plus, research is on my side. Child psychologist Caitlin McLear told HuffPost that discomfort doesn’t kill us.

“The more we practice being uncomfortable, the easier it gets,” she said.

Having finished 20 years of school myself, I’m in no hurry to return to the scene of long division. I’ll help my kids understand a homework assignment (unless it’s math), but then they’re on their own.

As my kids get older, I realized I don’t need to know their grades between report cards and shouldn’t manage their study time. McLear agreed: “Consequences and failure are how we learn,” she said. Hovering over your kids all the time may make your kids feel important, but it can also make them feel like projects.

Every choice to do one thing is a choice not to do another, so I’m strict with my yeses. In 10 years, will my daughter remember if I sent granola bars to her soccer game? In a week, will my son care that I made elaborate goodie bags for his school Valentine’s party? Probably not. The only thing that might make those efforts memorable is if I’m losing my mind with stress, yelling at my children while shoving heart-shaped sunglasses into tiny cellophane bags.

Relax, let the other moms fight over who goes on the school field trip, and focus on being the smiling parent at pick-up who has plenty of energy left to read a bedtime story.

Childhood is the only window kids have for experiencing the aimless boredom that leads to creativity and imaginary play.

“Boredom helps kids develop skills like planning, problem-solving, and distress tolerance,” McLear said.

The chances our kids will turn into elite athletes or musicians are infinitesimal, so shuttling them around to daily, structured lessons has limited benefits if they are tired and anxious. They need daily downtime as much as we need a couple hours in front of the TV after they’re asleep.

With four kids, chances are high every morning that someone is going to leave behind a water bottle, homework sheet, or tennis racket when they leave for school. Unless it’s a true emergency, my kids know they’ll have to get by without it, whether that means a late grade on homework or soccer practice without shin guards.

Forcing kids to accept responsibility for tiny mistakes increases the chance they’ll accept responsibility for big ones later. I’m also doing my part to normalize slip-ups and reset both my kids’ and their teachers’ expectations around just how perfect little people can be.

Having taught college English, I can attest that America’s 18-year-olds don’t know how to send basic, polite emails that don’t read like misspelled, emoji-fied texts. Once they get to middle school, kids need frequent practice communicating with adults. Without it, they’ll become adults who can’t function independently. A 2019 report showed that only 8% of 18-year-old Americans can schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Until I receive a check for my role as their personal assistant, my kids will have to compose their own emails.

When my oldest started kindergarten, I had 1-year-old twins. Designing elaborate lunchbox art out of rolled deli turkey and carved cucumbers was never an option. We told our daughter to eat whatever was for lunch that day in the cafeteria, and she did.

Now that she’s older, she can pack her own lunch if she adds her grocery items to my list. But if she forgets her lunchbox? That’s up to her to figure out.

Securing child care for all the things my kids don’t want to do is exhausting and expensive. Instead of waiting until my kids are occupied elsewhere, I haul them with me, saving child care for nights out. Having the kids in the grocery store isn’t exactly relaxing, but mine have learned to go along.

If your kids have no idea how the refrigerator remains perpetually stocked, adulthood is going to be a rough awakening. Not only will the drudgery of errands prepare them for life’s less fun activities, it will increase their appreciation for what it takes parents to run a household.

We live in the suburbs, so my kids spend a lot of time climbing trees and building stick forts. That’s not because they’re especially adventurous. It’s because most weekends, I hardly let them in the house.

Parents these days are an especially danger-averse bunch. Of course, not everyone has access to a yard, but letting elementary-aged kids wander unsupervised in open spaces can be good for them. In his book “The Anxious Generation,” which focuses on the mental health crisis in American children, psychologist Jonathan Haidt argues that risky play helps kids “develop a broad set of competences, including the ability to judge risk for themselves, take appropriate action when faced with risks, and learn that when things go wrong, even if they get hurt, they can usually handle it without calling in an adult.”

In Surgeon General Vivek Murphy’s recent report on the state of American parenting, he writes that parents are spending more time than ever engaged in kid-related activities, leaving less time for “parental leisure.” Moms spend 40% more time on child care than in 1985, and that time with children is more often what he calls “intensive.”

My time with my kids is not usually kid-centric. By watching me garden, our twins (now 8) have learned to plant seedlings and weed the garden. If my kids see me reading, it’s their cue to grab a book and sit beside me. If they don’t want to join me, they’re free to (screen-lessly) entertain themselves. It’s hardly a cure-all, but doing things I enjoy is a step toward keeping my sanity.

If raising independent adults is our ultimate goal, child psychologists agree we can drop the guilt over some benign neglect. With that paradigm shift, we can instead congratulate ourselves, knowing that some “lazy parenting” is necessary to foster maturity in our growing kids.